Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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