You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
