Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
