I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize