My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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