this just has baby written all over it
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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