Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
