Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
