pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize