If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Randomize
