I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
