I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
