the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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