Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
