Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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