better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
