at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize