weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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