don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
