He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
