Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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