my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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