when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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