You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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