I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
