I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
that may or may not have been my penis.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
