either way he was missing a nipple.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
