At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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