Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Can Purell be used as lube?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
