Apparently you make a good broom.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
