I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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