its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
