its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
