Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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