Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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