Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
