wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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