He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
