I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
