i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
