i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
