just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
