It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
