I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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