but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
