He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
