I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
