i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize