Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I'm both gender and math confused
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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