She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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