she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
