Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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