Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
