All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
