Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
