she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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