Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
