I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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