I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
