there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
