That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
