god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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